KILL YOUR FALSE SELF

One very brave person’s story that we shall never forget.

–The author has decided not to share this story anymore.–

One thing I remember from the story that still lingers in my heart is, if you see a person with kindness and love, you see the good side of that person, who have been abused and learned to do things in ways that hurt himself, but he tried and tried to be a good person, and sometimes he will even help with your problems. On the other hand, the other person living in the same house, witnessed the same things, see this person as lazy, evil and sick, will never be able to see the good side of him, no matter how hard he tried.

Don’t waste time to impress someone who cannot see you as a person.

And remember, choose to see everyone with kindness and love.

Being mentally unstable for a few days.

These few days I embrace a new identity: being mentally unstable. I have to admit when I should finally breathe freedom, I find myself trapped. I found myself powerless. I have no motivation to do anything, in a terrible mood for days. The idea of being like this for the rest of my life haunts me. I desperately need a way out. It makes no sense but this was me. No, this is the real me. I had been working hard during the second term of my second year. I have dragged myself to the library almost every day. Sometimes I let myself slack off for a day or two in a week. But 5 days in the library, each time more than 5 hours, that’s how I lived my life and got most of my work done.
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So, finally, my holiday came, even the thought of it was exciting. I can’t wait. But hell no, I stayed up late every single day I know I got  nothing to do. Then, after two whole hours of struggling, I got out of bed, went straight to the kitchen to get some food into my system. Sometimes after breakfast I went back to sleep, sometimes I forced myself to at least finish some chores. But every single day, I am not living my fullest. I did everything because there was a necessity there. Where are my motivations? Where are my passions? I am lost. But if you know how I lived before I went to college, you know that’s pretty normal. I did nothing until a guilt spiral began and I painfully dragged myself through the tasks I have to do.
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Two days ago I finally have to accept there is something terribly wrong with me. I have no purpose. I feel wasted. Finally the funeral question woke me up, but it did not save me. Basically, the funeral question is an imaginative question. Let’s imagine when you die, what do you want people to remember you for? What do you think the people attend the funeral will say about you? My answer is, people will only remember me being a shy girl, know me nothing. Not my art work, not my kind heart, not the things I pour my heart into. I felt my whole life is a lie. It felt so wrong, but it felt so right. That’s exactly how I live my life. I have never had the courage to show people who I really am, I have been taught to be a good student and learn to aim at being successful in the cultural standard and forget about my own dreams.