Grow a forest in your mind.

Lately, I have been crying a lot. Since I have been back to Hong Kong I felt like part of me died. Whenever I am free in my room I reminisce the days I was in England. The good old days, when I know what I was doing and what I wanted.

There have been days I dream of someone leaving me.  The dreams are like telling me, ‘There is no one else to take care of you anymore.You are on your own now.Your days in England have taught you enough to face whatever in front of you. So please be strong. Please be patient.’

Returning to Hong Kong is also like facing my old depressed self again. I go back to live with people who have once depreciated me. I go back to see the things I had once tried so hard but failed. I have learnt better but all these still hurts.

I started to build up a mental health system for myself. I look for a jogging trail, I look for healthy food, I look for inspirational and motivational people, and most of all, I look for solitude. It has been three months, I have found a jogging trail close to where I live, but I haven’t found a way to cook healthy food in this household. I have failed to find inspirational and motivational people. I felt like abandoned. I only found books, things I have once written down. I have to become my own motivation generator. Solitude is hard to find when you are living in a city and everyone is annoyed or complaining about something or someone.

From time to time I think humans aren’t meant to live in a city. Too many people are too much. Humans need personal space to be themselves. Humans need to have spaces where they can be disgusting and ugly, so they can have the space to show others their cheerful and positive sides. Hong Kong has gotten this all wrong.

I got a job working at a secondary school. The job has been meaningful but it’s not pointing me to the direction I am going. It’s a sidetrack. It’s my way to comfort my parents that I could be independent and live my own life. But it’s hard for me to accept that things aren’t alright. I need to go back to psychology and do a master. I felt stuck even though people around me are all telling me I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel that way.

I still remember the week before I left England, I was upset because I can foresee what’s upcoming. When I was jogging in the woodland trail in England.I prayed and asked God what I can do when I am surrounded by anxious people. There was silence for a long time. But then, after a long while, someone answered. A voice told me, you see the trees here? Yes, I said. Imagine yourself in this serene and peaceful setting. Come back to this place. Grow a forest in your mind. And you have it, relaxation and calmness.

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In this tough times, remember to read and write.

From time to time, when people around me are not helping. The only thing that consoles me is books. That’s why I buy lots of books. Looking back, I was just looking for answers. Hoping that when familiar words are connected in a way that is unique, I will see the answers that I need. It’s all just therapy. My therapy for my loneliness.

I didn’t know the patterns when I was in England. Because the people around me were more of the friendly and sedate bunch, I bought fewer books. I didn’t NEED that. When I am back to Hong Kong, I started to see the patterns. I need to be surrounded by books. I needed answers. People around me don’t understand. They don’t understand why I am stuck. They think I am free and living happily.  I know I am not, but it’s hard for others to understand. They are like ‘dead hearts’ described in the song dead hearts by Stars. It’s hard to know that they are out there and they are people you used to know. It’s hard to know that they still care. They pretended they care but there is no action. They are dead hearts to me. Dead hearts are everywhere. They make me feel I am falling down. They make me sad, so sad.

When people around me are not inspirational or motivational, I see myself falling into a black pit that I know things won’t turn out great. I am crying inside. It’s like a foreseeable depression. So, I hold onto anything and everything. I remind myself of the days I was in England, I hold onto the books I have bought and passages I have written myself. Things I have posted on Twitter, Tumblr and here have been a strong pin for me. They are reminders. Reminders of values and aspirations I have, reminders of the ideal self I want myself to be, reminders of who I have chosen to be, and reminders that I have been blessed by my adventure in England. To all the people I have met, they all have taught me wonderful lessons. Though home still looks the same, something changed inside and it changes everything.

I Am Happy Because You are Happy?

I don’t like to say things like, I am happy because you are happy. This kind of saying has the implication that my happiness depends on you. You see? Something is wrong here. I will never be happy if you don’t like me. I am giving you the power to control my life, my interpretation of myself. If you are my boss, oh no, I think I am getting a headache now, because boss do not really feel satisfied 99% of the time. This is not right, even when that person means a lot to you, like your son or daughter or your partner. If they decided they don’t like you, I can only say life is tough, but who says it is a must for them to like you? Society. You said. Who says everyone you like have to like you back? Who says? Tell me. No one.