I have a secret to tell you. 10th Oct 2015

I look for people who click with me and who are in their lows, try to love them, protect them, treat them well, change their perspective, and made them feel loved and strong.

  That’s what I thought I have been doing.

No need to be romantic, just listen closely, to your friends’ fears.

Don’t get scared.

Everyone have their own shit, maybe you have never encountered this type of mess before,remain calm and treat it like something normal to you.   Be patient because it’s called a mess for a reason,  it comes back again and again,and again and again. They told you because they trust you.

They told you because they thought, maybe you can change their mind.

They told you because they were testing you, whether you can accept their not-so-bright-sides.

 

Gently pat their heads, think about love,send them some love.

Remember to check on them from time to time, they will feel lonely sometimes, but don’t know they can talk to someone.

Just remind them something they like.

If it’s their birthday, buy them a present.

I keep notes on things they told me they want to have.

Sometimes I tell them my own fears as well, to remind them we are the same to a certain extent.

 

Sometimes I imagine taking caring of a kitten/puppy when I talk to them, I have to do everything gently, pat it, kiss it, play with it.

And hope, one day, it will grow.

 

Let’s hope for the best. But even if it doesn’t grow, or if it slips and falls, don’t panic,don’t get frustrated,remember what I told you. Be patient. Love is patient,maybe he or she is not ready for change, but they tried their best, they felt guilty, so don’t get angry to make them feel worse,< calmness is your new best friend.

Cry with them. If they are still with you, love them like you used to.

Let’s hope for the best.

 

****** This is a reminder for myself,

if one day I forget what I have been doing, if I lost my mind one day. This post will bring me back, to the most important thing humans can do, to inspire and love another human being.

 

It’s about the process of loving someone but not achieving anything.

 

Just go ahead and do it.

Loneliness and Emptiness

I welcome the loneliness and emptiness inside my soul. Looking for the tears that can carry me away. Take me back to the place where I am understood and welcomed.

When there are too much doing but no living, your life becomes empty. I seek books for answers.

When no one understands but you are determined to be different, you feel lonely. But life carries on. I still got meditation, trees and hypnosis.

I feel both lonely and empty. I am tired but I know I need to carry on. Tonight is the night, to admit this to myself. It is not that bad, things are tough. I want to cry but I can only look at you blankly.

That familiar loneliness, reminds me I am a separate entity from my parents, that I have my own free will and drive. Oh, loneliness. Can you show me something good out of this?

Oh emptiness, are you telling me I am learning so much every day? Are you reminding me I am a useful person? I just want to be myself. For once, let me sleep my days away.

I know freedom belongs to me. I know I deserve the respect and love I fight for. I know things will be better tomorrow. The only thing I know is faith. The only thing I need to know is faith.

My kind of Mantra

Fill yourself with love, imagine yourself holding someone in pain. Someone in physical pain, or emotional pain. Hold her/ him tightly, tell her/him you would take good care of her/him. Promise her/him. Generate the type of energy that is kind and loving, hug her/him, touch her/him. Practice it. Imagine yourself as someone strong, someone with scars and someone who understands. Someone protective and someone who is willing to take the responsibility to dig deep.

This is my kind of mantra. I will be here, for you, till we see the sun, and you are strong enough to carry one with yourself. My name is called trauma healing. I am just a tool in God’s hand. I use all my might to go through hard times with other people, I stay with their uncomfortable times so that they can find ease and peace and tranquillity on their own.

Grow a forest in your mind.

Lately, I have been crying a lot. Since I have been back to Hong Kong I felt like part of me died. Whenever I am free in my room I reminisce the days I was in England. The good old days, when I know what I was doing and what I wanted.

There have been days I dream of someone leaving me.  The dreams are like telling me, ‘There is no one else to take care of you anymore.You are on your own now.Your days in England have taught you enough to face whatever in front of you. So please be strong. Please be patient.’

Returning to Hong Kong is also like facing my old depressed self again. I go back to live with people who have once depreciated me. I go back to see the things I had once tried so hard but failed. I have learnt better but all these still hurts.

I started to build up a mental health system for myself. I look for a jogging trail, I look for healthy food, I look for inspirational and motivational people, and most of all, I look for solitude. It has been three months, I have found a jogging trail close to where I live, but I haven’t found a way to cook healthy food in this household. I have failed to find inspirational and motivational people. I felt like abandoned. I only found books, things I have once written down. I have to become my own motivation generator. Solitude is hard to find when you are living in a city and everyone is annoyed or complaining about something or someone.

From time to time I think humans aren’t meant to live in a city. Too many people are too much. Humans need personal space to be themselves. Humans need to have spaces where they can be disgusting and ugly, so they can have the space to show others their cheerful and positive sides. Hong Kong has gotten this all wrong.

I got a job working at a secondary school. The job has been meaningful but it’s not pointing me to the direction I am going. It’s a sidetrack. It’s my way to comfort my parents that I could be independent and live my own life. But it’s hard for me to accept that things aren’t alright. I need to go back to psychology and do a master. I felt stuck even though people around me are all telling me I am on the right track. It doesn’t feel that way.

I still remember the week before I left England, I was upset because I can foresee what’s upcoming. When I was jogging in the woodland trail in England.I prayed and asked God what I can do when I am surrounded by anxious people. There was silence for a long time. But then, after a long while, someone answered. A voice told me, you see the trees here? Yes, I said. Imagine yourself in this serene and peaceful setting. Come back to this place. Grow a forest in your mind. And you have it, relaxation and calmness.

In this tough times, remember to read and write.

From time to time, when people around me are not helping. The only thing that consoles me is books. That’s why I buy lots of books. Looking back, I was just looking for answers. Hoping that when familiar words are connected in a way that is unique, I will see the answers that I need. It’s all just therapy. My therapy for my loneliness.

I didn’t know the patterns when I was in England. Because the people around me were more of the friendly and sedate bunch, I bought fewer books. I didn’t NEED that. When I am back to Hong Kong, I started to see the patterns. I need to be surrounded by books. I needed answers. People around me don’t understand. They don’t understand why I am stuck. They think I am free and living happily.  I know I am not, but it’s hard for others to understand. They are like ‘dead hearts’ described in the song dead hearts by Stars. It’s hard to know that they are out there and they are people you used to know. It’s hard to know that they still care. They pretended they care but there is no action. They are dead hearts to me. Dead hearts are everywhere. They make me feel I am falling down. They make me sad, so sad.

When people around me are not inspirational or motivational, I see myself falling into a black pit that I know things won’t turn out great. I am crying inside. It’s like a foreseeable depression. So, I hold onto anything and everything. I remind myself of the days I was in England, I hold onto the books I have bought and passages I have written myself. Things I have posted on Twitter, Tumblr and here have been a strong pin for me. They are reminders. Reminders of values and aspirations I have, reminders of the ideal self I want myself to be, reminders of who I have chosen to be, and reminders that I have been blessed by my adventure in England. To all the people I have met, they all have taught me wonderful lessons. Though home still looks the same, something changed inside and it changes everything.

Do you think there’s a reason for everything?

This is not a very good question. Consciously, things can happen without a reason and i accept that as true. Arbitrary accidents could kill people and there is no way you can find a reason to explain why someone’s daughter is dead in a snap of fingers. Life is arbitrary.

But unconsciously, we humans are always looking for connections and meanings. I guess that helps us to survive in horrible times. It’s just how our brains work and i accept that as well. I will look for connections and meanings in everything, or better, we provide reasons and meanings for the things that happened. It’s not right or wrong. It’s just how our mind works.

Interactive Kinds

Larval Subjects .

Every once in a while you come across a concept that puts in words something that’s been on the tip of your tongue for years but which you’ve never quite been able to articulate. Ian Hacking’s concept of interactive kinds is, for me, an example of such a concept. In his discussion of social construction talk in The Social Construction of What?, Hacking is careful to emphasize that such talk generally refers to the construction of our categories (kinds), not the individuals or entities that are grouped under these categories. It is not, for example, my cat Tabby that is constructed, but the kind or category “cat”.

What is interesting here is not the construction of categories or kinds themselves, but rather the relationship between the constructed kind and the entities that fall over them. Hacking distinguishes between two different kinds: indifferent kinds and interactive kinds. In the case…

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