What if you have already won life?

Last year, I was in a martial arts training and someone cried because she cannot do a kick properly, and the teacher asked me to go to the toilet to see if she was alright. I knew that is a sign of depression, or at least, it signified the fear of failures. But I did not have the courage to bring it up. It was really awkward and I said some random stupid shit that I have done when I was little to make her laugh. She did not laugh. Anyway.

This experience caught me thinking, what should I say when someone you are supposed to build up a friendly relationship with cry at the least triggering things?

‘Do you know that you cry not because of that kick/thing that you have done, but because it reminded you some sort of sad and painful memories in the past that convinced you ”you will never succeed again”?’

‘I know you cannot help crying, so there is no reason to be embarrassed about.’

‘And I am here to tell you, that you are not worthless. You will win, but not in the way you expected. A few years ago, I was really depressed about my public exam results, and I swear to god if there is one more chance I will pass with flying colors. I will try so hard, I will not sleep until I finish revision. I will do anything, just to get back the self-esteem I had lost. But things were still difficult, it was just me becoming more and more desperate and crazy. Nothing really changed really. How I studied did not change just because I wanted to win. I was just getting deeper and deeper into the inferior feeling. Then, day after day I thought about other stuff. I did other stuff. Many of the emotions remain unchanged. But my perspective towards this world changed.

One day I was thinking, what if God created a game that I have to fail 100 times before I figured out all the skills I need to find the key of success? What if there are more than 100 traps in this pathway that leads to success? Why am I quitting on the second or third level? Why am I feeling numb about all the emotions and shut down my whole emotional system just because I bleed? What if I stumbled and fell 99 times but I can still smile and try again?

Think about it. What if that is life? If that is true, I think the game is not about winning or losing, but a testing of your mental strength. A test of your mental flexibility, durability, endurance, the ability to feel and love in the face of losing everything you have.

If you have failed 100 times but you are still able to feel and love, but still able to be sensitive and gentle to yourself and others, I think you have already won.

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Some individuation happened.

Carl Jung once said he felt like everyone has two different personalities. Generalised from his own childhood experiences, he mentioned in his autobiography Memories, Dreams, Reflections (1963) that when he was little, he identified two sides of him that are distinct from each other. Jung named them No. 1 and No.2. No.1 was the child who wants parental approval and success while No.2 was spiritual, wise, rooted, mystical and love nature, was his true self.

The similarity between my childhood with Carl Jung was, both of us are extreme introverts, some may even use the term ‘schizoid personality disorder’ to describe this particular condition. Being withdrawn and aloof, we both took our inner life seriously and had a more developed No. 2 than the average in society.

However, different from Carl Jung, I had a hard time developing my No.1 side of me. From time to time, my No.2 dominates the situation. My No.1 development was lagging behind but I did not see a problem with it. No.2 is all about being yourself and live in the present, without concern over other people’s opinions and it can push me to go against societal norms and from time to time, persuade me to ‘break the rules’. But my maldeveloped No.1 side was telling me I am inferior and I am not good enough, never good enough. People will not look upon me with respect. Maybe my No.1 side had become my shadow for a long time but I was not aware of it.So I cling to my No.2 self even further.

My breaking point came when a very close friend who I’ve seen as my opposite persona (who had a very well developed No.1 ) succeeded in achieving something I am jealous about. I realised my No.1 side have always been there inside me, and it’s time to deal with the development of myself. Some inner work needs to be done.

Quick enough, just within a week or so, I started to explore lots of career choices I have never thought about and have more positive emotions within myself. I reviewed and rejected many of the previous statement I took as facts and suspected to be wrong. I used to take my parents’ view of me as inferior and ‘the kid who will always live under mama’s skirt’ started to become a fire and fuel me to develop myself. I had never worked on my outer layer of myself. Now I can see that even though I am spiritual, loving and self-accepting, something is off and I will never succeed. Other people cannot see my strengths neither because I have never tried to dress like the person I wanted to be seen as. Now, things are clear, I want to be seen as a powerful independent woman.

I felt so much better about myself after that existential crisis about my own identity and self. I still have not figured out my future and I am sure this topic will freak me out and stress me out every time I think about. But I am ready, ready to face the side of myself I have not looked at, and make peace with it.

Interactive Kinds

Larval Subjects .

Every once in a while you come across a concept that puts in words something that’s been on the tip of your tongue for years but which you’ve never quite been able to articulate. Ian Hacking’s concept of interactive kinds is, for me, an example of such a concept. In his discussion of social construction talk in The Social Construction of What?, Hacking is careful to emphasize that such talk generally refers to the construction of our categories (kinds), not the individuals or entities that are grouped under these categories. It is not, for example, my cat Tabby that is constructed, but the kind or category “cat”.

What is interesting here is not the construction of categories or kinds themselves, but rather the relationship between the constructed kind and the entities that fall over them. Hacking distinguishes between two different kinds: indifferent kinds and interactive kinds. In the case…

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You are born whole

I thought about how some people got multi-personality and split their own self into different layers. I looked at people who teach others to love themselves. I proposed our psychological self is actually making up of different layers. When we say you have to respect yourself this is a strange statement, because you need someone else to respect. How can you give something to someone if there is only one person? But respecting yourself is possible, loving yourself is possible. So psychologically, everyone has different layers of self. Freudians use the idea self, ego and id to explain this. The ideal self is the realistic side of you who want to be successful, admired, loved by others. You follow the norms, do what the society considers as good. But this might not be what you want. What you want to do or your own inner child, is the id. We will go back to the idea of the inner child later, but right now I want to stress my definition of self is slightly different, we have an indefinite number of layers within us, it’s not countable. Also, it is not as clear cut as id, super-ego and ego. There are always grey areas in between, and probably some layers in between.

 

Furthermore, self-love is the glue to hold these layers together, the stronger your self-love, the more you can accept your different layers,the more you can hold yourself together, and the closer you are to unity of self. And by that, some people will say ‘they feel they are whole’, it is that feeling. Unity of self, I mean different layers of self merged together and one no longer feel there are distance among layers of self, he or she can accept the dark sides and the bright sides of himself or herself unconditionally. But this feeling is actually independent of others, in daily lives many people attribute this feelings to their lovers. But love will always stands outside if you cannot love yourself. Love from someone just triggers self-love from yourself, everything is about you, and you alone.

 

We just talked about how self-love can make us feel whole and it is independent to others. So, what is the typical state for most people? There is a huge gap between their ideal self and their inner child. Adults, implements lots of socially acceptable values and beliefs and traditions and customs to themselves, and have the ideal that they have to fulfill those things in order to be successful and happy. Because of that, they are no longer able to see their own inner child screaming to them about what they actually need or desire. They are far away from their inner child. They are usually will not say they are unhappy, but they are not happy neither, because they are not even sure what they want. They thought growing up is about leaving their playful side of themselves behind, and starting to care more about others than themselves. They thought leaving their own desires and needs and satisfying other’s needs and desires means growing up, implies maturity. But as one steps away from their own need and desires, one is also stepping away from their id, the core layer of self. As a consequence, many people step away from their own self and no longer able to love themselves, hoping others can do that for them.

 

Sadly, this is a very common story.

 

To explain this, Freudians will probably say the superego is dominating the psyche and repressing the needs of id. To solve this, the person has to look carefully what the id need and rationally satisfy the desires of id. While in the approach of Carl Jung, this will probably be explained by socialization and the initial wholeness of self disappeared because the internalization of cultural and sociatal values to ‘you who are’ as a person. You learned to look outward and thought that is exactly who you are. Until one day you realised the image of you no longer applies and you freaked out, has an identity crisis and cling to the old self image you have. You cannot see through, the answer is always within, deep within. The only way to find out who you are and feel whole again, is achieved by looking inwards. Getting away layers and layers of what you thought as a good person, examined the criteria that the society considered as good and bad. You will start to see, there are no one judgement that is universial in this world. Everyone holds a different ruler. When you thought you are beautiful the other person can see you as ugly. You are considered ugly in this culture but beauty in another. There are no rules. 

 

Look within, and you will see many things you assumed as right are just culturally accustomed as right. Who you are? The society says we should avoid the pain we have gone through and only focus on being positive. But avoiding the pain also means you are avoiding yourself. Ironic, isn’t it?

 

Once again, please look within. Acknowledge the emotions repressed by your family and friends, acknowledge the things that are stored inside you for the sake looking good. Self-love means looking deep inside, accept the sides of you the society does not give permission to, acknowledge the pain you are in.

 

Life can be twisted and fucked up, but you are whole, every creature on this Earth is whole.

Things therapists said (some of my favourite from tumblr)

  • My therapist was there at 4 am physically holding my hand after my overdose, gave me an object she’s had since she was 15, touched the scars on my arm so I wouldn’t feel ashamed, and visited me multiple times inpatient. If that isn’t an absolutely amazing therapist then I don’t know who is. 
  • I told my therapist that i have no idea how i would cope 3 weeks for christmas break without seeing her. She told me i can call anytime during crisis and one day each week for 5 minutes to hear her and check on me 

  • I’d give you antidepressants, but I think your dog can substitute that just fine. Just look at those cute eyes =))) 

  • Her: Lashing out isn’t going to help anything. Me: I can’t take this anymore. I want to give up. I’ve been holding on for so long and I just can’t take another second of this. Her sits beside me and takes my hand Listen, there are going to be ups and downs and things will seem like a mess. You’re strong enough to hold on. I’m proud of how far you’ve come. Please don’t give up. I’m here for you and, remember, I pray for you every night. Me: starts crying Her: hugs meStay strong. 

  • This happened when I was 17, I’m 22 now, I’ll never forget her kindness <3 I was in inpatient for anorexia/ depression and my therapist spent 12 hours with me in hospital after a suicide attempt with no breaks. I got really upset “come here” she said and pulled me into a hug, for the first time in years, I cried, really cried but more importantly felt safe. She didn’t let go until I’d finished and repeatedly kissed my forehead. I don’t care if it was “unprofessional” her kindness saved my life. 

How to set goals ( by Brian Tracy)

Now in setting goals, we know that goals have to be in harmony of each other, not contradictory. We cannot spend half of our time on a beach, while being wealthy and successful. We cannot climb a mountain every day, and yet living in a desert. So, we have to set goals that are in harmony of each other.
Also, we have to set goals that are congruent to our basic fundamental values.
And there are 7 important questions. I suggest you to take some time to write down the answers.
Think about what your answers might be.
They will give you acute insight.

1. What are the five things you value the most in life?

  • The five things you considered the most important elements of your life. You will pay your life for, you will sacrifice your life for, you are stand up for, you will fight for. This is a question that many people seldom think about but will set the foundations for all the other goals of your life.
  • 1.________
  • 2.________
  • 3.________
  • 4.________
  • 5.________

2. In 30 sec or less, write down the 3 most important goals of your life right now?  

  • This is the Joyces (?) brothers called the quickest method. What she found is, because if you only have 30 seconds, it will be the most accurate answer and they will be the most important

3. What would you do if you win a million money in a lottery tomorrow? What will be the first thing you will do ? In other words, if you have all the money and time of your life, what will you pay off, what will you do? what will you buy?

  •  This question is saying if you  have no mental or physical limitations on your ability, what will you be your inspirations? What will your ambitions be? What will your dream be? The purpose of this question is to allow you to have no limitations at all. The answer of the question is reminding you anything you write you can do, you are able to think and write about it, you are capable of achieving it. Not as rapidly as you won the million dollars, but It’s about how badly do you want it, there is no limitations on what you can achieve, but only the intensity you want to achieve it, the willingness that you have, the effort you are willing to put into it that is necessary.
  • 1._________
  • 2._________
  • 3._________

4. What will you do and how will you spend your life if you learnt today that you only have 6 months to live?

  • Who will you see? what changes will you make to your life? What will you see? If you learnt from perfect health, in 180 days, you will be stone dead.
  • The answer to this question will tell you what you treasure the most and what your true values are.
  • When you are thinking about your life is going to an end, that you begin to seriously reflect what is most important to you. And the advice we give to people, is, what if, you got your 3 most important goals in life, and you won one million dollars, is not the same as this question. It is very different from you have six months to live. If you take a very deep close look to your goals, if you only have six months to live, these goals should be corporate into your day to day activities because it’s where the real value is of your life.

5. What is the one thing you always wanted to do but you have been afraid to attempt?

  • Something you always wanted to do in your life but you have been afraid to try it. You are held back, you have thought about doing it. But every time you think about doing it, you become uneasy, unsure, and a little bit scared, and a little bit frightened, so you are held back from doing it. That is a critical question, because whatever it is, remember it’s your fears that hold you back, is simply a psychological fear, which is a result of a conditioned process, or you like, a conditioned response to a stimulus, that is a habit, that is a fear of failure, that have nothing to do with reality.

6.In looking back over all the things you have done in your life. What type of activities, doing what sort of things, in what sort of circumstances give you your greatest feelings of importance?

  • What activities give you your greatest feelings of self-worth? You feel the greatest about yourself, gives you self-worth and self-esteem. When engaging in certain activities, you feel the very best about yourself. When you do it, you feel great about yourself, for this particular type of activities. The Economy (?) once said, that many years ago, if you tell me the one thing that gives a man or a woman the greatest feeling of importance, I can tell you their whole life philosophy. But what makes you your greatest feelings of importance is also a key indicator to tell you your area of expertise is. Because your area of excellence will always give you the greatest personal pleasure and feeling of self-esteem and self-satisfaction. And one of the high duty of life, is to be continuing the activities that give you the greatest joy and satisfaction.

6. Imagined that you received one wish, from a genie, a magic pill. And if you took this pill, you can accomplish one thing in the whole world. You can achieve any goals, any desire or any ambition of the whole world. Big or small, short term or long term. And the question is simply this: What is the one great thing will you dare to dream if you knew you could not fail?

  • This is the most important question of all because what it says is, it is really your great dream, great ambition in life. And if you can write the answer for this question, it means that you can have it. The very fact that you can think really clearly of the answer down means you are capable of doing it.  On the one hand, nature does not give us the ability to clearly visualize and write down the goal and at the same time do not give us the ability to realize it. This is one of the most exciting things about the human psyche.
  • If you can crystallize your desires means you can achieve it. The only question is, how badly do you really want it? And, are you willing to pay the price to get it. Because the only limitation is in your own mind. It’s not contained out in the physical world.
After answering these questions, it’s essential that you pick one major definite purpose in life. We know that great success all comes from selecting one major definite purpose. If you make mistakes like many people do trying to accomplish many things simultaneously we found that you diffuse your bursts of effort and end up accomplishing almost nothing.
Every great life becomes great when the individual pick that one thing is more important than all the other things put altogether. And the accomplishment of which will lead to attainment to many of the minor goals in life.
It’s very important that if you not set the achieved goal in the past, and you have to develop the ability to set and achieve one important goal in your life. Once you have done that, it becomes relatively simple for you to set and achieve the second goal, the third goal, the fourth goal. But don’t try to bite off too much at once. Just set up one goal and go from there.

I Am Happy Because You are Happy?

I don’t like to say things like, I am happy because you are happy. This kind of saying has the implication that my happiness depends on you. You see? Something is wrong here. I will never be happy if you don’t like me. I am giving you the power to control my life, my interpretation of myself. If you are my boss, oh no, I think I am getting a headache now, because boss do not really feel satisfied 99% of the time. This is not right, even when that person means a lot to you, like your son or daughter or your partner. If they decided they don’t like you, I can only say life is tough, but who says it is a must for them to like you? Society. You said. Who says everyone you like have to like you back? Who says? Tell me. No one.