Sometimes I am scared of My Darkside, Can I get rid of it?

*I’m sorry if the use of language in the video is a bit inappropriate*


Have a look at the mirror, me and my family look so alike. I mean physically we are so alike, it must be the genes. How about mentally? There must be some genes controlling as well, aren’t there?

Looking at my relatives who love to judge people.

Am I just one of them? Selfish, judgmental, making fun of others.

Thought they know so much more than anyone, thought no one can be better, thought the world owes them….

I get tired of thinking about them, but then, at the end of the day, maybe I am just one of them. Can I get rid of it?


Or in a family with depression, am I just one of them?

Will I get depression oneday? Am I born with it? Is this just coincidience if one day I get it too?

All the socialization and interactions with my relatives, all the genes, everything counts.

The chain of thought started to freak me out…

Can I run away from my family?


Or if I have the desire to be a murderer.

Am I born with it? Can I blame it to my genes? Can I get rid of it? Am I a shame to my family?


”Sometime I wonder what’s inside of me, 

 my family are hiding inside me,

I never know what I do know.

Running away is something we always done well,

Well and mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from

Corpsed into ice, I cannot ,I cannot,I cannot, run from my family” ( from the lyrics)


Can I get rid of the dark side?


I cannot find the answer, but a wise young man says something remarkable that keep me thinking —the accepance of our dark sides.

”Like all people, I have a “shadow,” and I have learned that the healthiest thing one can do is to integrate this darkness into one’s self.  If you reject it and abhor it, then you only repress it, and it only gets stronger when it is not acknowledged.

As I have experienced life, and learned how to increase my capacity for tolerance and compassion, so too has my capacity for darkness grown as well.  This is natural, because balance is the rule of nature.  In order to become more compassionate, I must also cultivate the capacity for more selfishness.  In order to be more tolerant, I must also cultivate my ability for intolerance and hatred.

This sounds scary, but it is not.  Because while we all have the capacity for both good and evil, it is our choice at every moment whether to engage in decent activities or engage in behaviors that will harm others.  I have long since come into the habit of choosing compassion over hatred, and peace of mind over anger. ”

By: Seraph1m

Written on December 26th, 2007 on

view the whole passage here:


Insanity -part 2

 Later, I picked up a book talking about being a psychaitrist and that reminded me of another book I have read before. It is an interesting conversation between a psychologist and the author talking about insanity within us,in Chinese, more or less, here it is translated by me :p

Author: How do you define whether someone has mental disorder or not?

Dr: It’s a social question, I believe every one has some sort of mental disorder. Think carefully, do you have some sort of habit that you can’t get rid of, that you insist doing no matter what?

Author: I insist there are only three short-cuts on my desk-top, can’t be more. Does it count?

Dr: Of course.

Author: If you said so, many people have mental disorder as well.

I have a friend who have to tidy up her bank notes and rearrange them according to their sizes and iron them one by one, every note has to face the same direction.I have a friend who have to smooth his bedsheet til there are no creases on it. I have another friend loves plants with wide leaves, and he cleans all the leaves til they shine every week end. Oh,  I have another strange habit, I have to rearrange the position of all the furniture in my house every three months, otherwise I would feel like some ants biting me up.

Dr: Let us talk about them case by case. Changing furniture positions and cleaning leaves, can be just some kind of enjoyment in life. Tidying up banknotes and smoothing out bedsheets, can be just some tiny things made them proud and feel good in their lives.

 But all these are definitely some sort of OCD. As long as these doesn’t affect other people, then let those habits be complusive and obsessive! That’s no big deal, until you can’t help youself tidying up someone else’s wallet, moving someone else’s tables, you become a mental patient. For cleaning my plants……I think I can accept this. (smiling)

Insanity -part 1

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Wandering around a book store, looking at those classy decorations hanging on the ceiling – some heavy plastic thingy in Open-Book shapes. That is creative, I thought.

All of us may well be insane, contemplating at those classy decorations, I thought, ” Are we insane to say nothing and accept those strange decorations, which might fall and hurt people but we keep them up there just because they look fashionable? Are we insane to pursuit fashion and turn out looking silly? What is normal?” I frowned looking at those plastic things which are no longer classy.

“If one day I could get out of here, I would allow myself to be crazy. Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don’t know they’re crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to.”
―     Paulo Coelho,     Veronika Decides to Die

p.s. because of the meaning of the film ‘Veronika Decides to Die’, I have another English name— Veronika, I am truly insane.