You are born whole

I thought about how some people got multi-personality and split their own self into different layers. I looked at people who teach others to love themselves. I proposed our psychological self is actually making up of different layers. When we say you have to respect yourself this is a strange statement, because you need someone else to respect. How can you give something to someone if there is only one person? But respecting yourself is possible, loving yourself is possible. So psychologically, everyone has different layers of self. Freudians use the idea self, ego and id to explain this. The ideal self is the realistic side of you who want to be successful, admired, loved by others. You follow the norms, do what the society considers as good. But this might not be what you want. What you want to do or your own inner child, is the id. We will go back to the idea of the inner child later, but right now I want to stress my definition of self is slightly different, we have an indefinite number of layers within us, it’s not countable. Also, it is not as clear cut as id, super-ego and ego. There are always grey areas in between, and probably some layers in between.

 

Furthermore, self-love is the glue to hold these layers together, the stronger your self-love, the more you can accept your different layers,the more you can hold yourself together, and the closer you are to unity of self. And by that, some people will say ‘they feel they are whole’, it is that feeling. Unity of self, I mean different layers of self merged together and one no longer feel there are distance among layers of self, he or she can accept the dark sides and the bright sides of himself or herself unconditionally. But this feeling is actually independent of others, in daily lives many people attribute this feelings to their lovers. But love will always stands outside if you cannot love yourself. Love from someone just triggers self-love from yourself, everything is about you, and you alone.

 

We just talked about how self-love can make us feel whole and it is independent to others. So, what is the typical state for most people? There is a huge gap between their ideal self and their inner child. Adults, implements lots of socially acceptable values and beliefs and traditions and customs to themselves, and have the ideal that they have to fulfill those things in order to be successful and happy. Because of that, they are no longer able to see their own inner child screaming to them about what they actually need or desire. They are far away from their inner child. They are usually will not say they are unhappy, but they are not happy neither, because they are not even sure what they want. They thought growing up is about leaving their playful side of themselves behind, and starting to care more about others than themselves. They thought leaving their own desires and needs and satisfying other’s needs and desires means growing up, implies maturity. But as one steps away from their own need and desires, one is also stepping away from their id, the core layer of self. As a consequence, many people step away from their own self and no longer able to love themselves, hoping others can do that for them.

 

Sadly, this is a very common story.

 

To explain this, Freudians will probably say the superego is dominating the psyche and repressing the needs of id. To solve this, the person has to look carefully what the id need and rationally satisfy the desires of id. While in the approach of Carl Jung, this will probably be explained by socialization and the initial wholeness of self disappeared because the internalization of cultural and sociatal values to ‘you who are’ as a person. You learned to look outward and thought that is exactly who you are. Until one day you realised the image of you no longer applies and you freaked out, has an identity crisis and cling to the old self image you have. You cannot see through, the answer is always within, deep within. The only way to find out who you are and feel whole again, is achieved by looking inwards. Getting away layers and layers of what you thought as a good person, examined the criteria that the society considered as good and bad. You will start to see, there are no one judgement that is universial in this world. Everyone holds a different ruler. When you thought you are beautiful the other person can see you as ugly. You are considered ugly in this culture but beauty in another. There are no rules. 

 

Look within, and you will see many things you assumed as right are just culturally accustomed as right. Who you are? The society says we should avoid the pain we have gone through and only focus on being positive. But avoiding the pain also means you are avoiding yourself. Ironic, isn’t it?

 

Once again, please look within. Acknowledge the emotions repressed by your family and friends, acknowledge the things that are stored inside you for the sake looking good. Self-love means looking deep inside, accept the sides of you the society does not give permission to, acknowledge the pain you are in.

 

Life can be twisted and fucked up, but you are whole, every creature on this Earth is whole.

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I Am Happy Because You are Happy?

I don’t like to say things like, I am happy because you are happy. This kind of saying has the implication that my happiness depends on you. You see? Something is wrong here. I will never be happy if you don’t like me. I am giving you the power to control my life, my interpretation of myself. If you are my boss, oh no, I think I am getting a headache now, because boss do not really feel satisfied 99% of the time. This is not right, even when that person means a lot to you, like your son or daughter or your partner. If they decided they don’t like you, I can only say life is tough, but who says it is a must for them to like you? Society. You said. Who says everyone you like have to like you back? Who says? Tell me. No one.

Being mentally unstable for a few days.

These few days I embrace a new identity: being mentally unstable. I have to admit when I should finally breathe freedom, I find myself trapped. I found myself powerless. I have no motivation to do anything, in a terrible mood for days. The idea of being like this for the rest of my life haunts me. I desperately need a way out. It makes no sense but this was me. No, this is the real me. I had been working hard during the second term of my second year. I have dragged myself to the library almost every day. Sometimes I let myself slack off for a day or two in a week. But 5 days in the library, each time more than 5 hours, that’s how I lived my life and got most of my work done.
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So, finally, my holiday came, even the thought of it was exciting. I can’t wait. But hell no, I stayed up late every single day I know I got  nothing to do. Then, after two whole hours of struggling, I got out of bed, went straight to the kitchen to get some food into my system. Sometimes after breakfast I went back to sleep, sometimes I forced myself to at least finish some chores. But every single day, I am not living my fullest. I did everything because there was a necessity there. Where are my motivations? Where are my passions? I am lost. But if you know how I lived before I went to college, you know that’s pretty normal. I did nothing until a guilt spiral began and I painfully dragged myself through the tasks I have to do.
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Two days ago I finally have to accept there is something terribly wrong with me. I have no purpose. I feel wasted. Finally the funeral question woke me up, but it did not save me. Basically, the funeral question is an imaginative question. Let’s imagine when you die, what do you want people to remember you for? What do you think the people attend the funeral will say about you? My answer is, people will only remember me being a shy girl, know me nothing. Not my art work, not my kind heart, not the things I pour my heart into. I felt my whole life is a lie. It felt so wrong, but it felt so right. That’s exactly how I live my life. I have never had the courage to show people who I really am, I have been taught to be a good student and learn to aim at being successful in the cultural standard and forget about my own dreams.
Video

Sometimes I am scared of My Darkside, Can I get rid of it?

*I’m sorry if the use of language in the video is a bit inappropriate*

 

Have a look at the mirror, me and my family look so alike. I mean physically we are so alike, it must be the genes. How about mentally? There must be some genes controlling as well, aren’t there?

Looking at my relatives who love to judge people.

Am I just one of them? Selfish, judgmental, making fun of others.

Thought they know so much more than anyone, thought no one can be better, thought the world owes them….

I get tired of thinking about them, but then, at the end of the day, maybe I am just one of them. Can I get rid of it?

 

Or in a family with depression, am I just one of them?

Will I get depression oneday? Am I born with it? Is this just coincidience if one day I get it too?

All the socialization and interactions with my relatives, all the genes, everything counts.

The chain of thought started to freak me out…

Can I run away from my family?

 

Or if I have the desire to be a murderer.

Am I born with it? Can I blame it to my genes? Can I get rid of it? Am I a shame to my family?

 

”Sometime I wonder what’s inside of me, 

 my family are hiding inside me,

I never know what I do know.

Running away is something we always done well,

Well and mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from

Corpsed into ice, I cannot ,I cannot,I cannot, run from my family” ( from the lyrics)

 

Can I get rid of the dark side?

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I cannot find the answer, but a wise young man says something remarkable that keep me thinking —the accepance of our dark sides.

”Like all people, I have a “shadow,” and I have learned that the healthiest thing one can do is to integrate this darkness into one’s self.  If you reject it and abhor it, then you only repress it, and it only gets stronger when it is not acknowledged.

As I have experienced life, and learned how to increase my capacity for tolerance and compassion, so too has my capacity for darkness grown as well.  This is natural, because balance is the rule of nature.  In order to become more compassionate, I must also cultivate the capacity for more selfishness.  In order to be more tolerant, I must also cultivate my ability for intolerance and hatred.

This sounds scary, but it is not.  Because while we all have the capacity for both good and evil, it is our choice at every moment whether to engage in decent activities or engage in behaviors that will harm others.  I have long since come into the habit of choosing compassion over hatred, and peace of mind over anger. ”

By: Seraph1m

Written on December 26th, 2007 on http://www.experienceproject.com

view the whole passage here: http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-A-Dark-Side/116964