Sometimes I am scared of My Darkside, Can I get rid of it?

*I’m sorry if the use of language in the video is a bit inappropriate*


Have a look at the mirror, me and my family look so alike. I mean physically we are so alike, it must be the genes. How about mentally? There must be some genes controlling as well, aren’t there?

Looking at my relatives who love to judge people.

Am I just one of them? Selfish, judgmental, making fun of others.

Thought they know so much more than anyone, thought no one can be better, thought the world owes them….

I get tired of thinking about them, but then, at the end of the day, maybe I am just one of them. Can I get rid of it?


Or in a family with depression, am I just one of them?

Will I get depression oneday? Am I born with it? Is this just coincidience if one day I get it too?

All the socialization and interactions with my relatives, all the genes, everything counts.

The chain of thought started to freak me out…

Can I run away from my family?


Or if I have the desire to be a murderer.

Am I born with it? Can I blame it to my genes? Can I get rid of it? Am I a shame to my family?


”Sometime I wonder what’s inside of me, 

 my family are hiding inside me,

I never know what I do know.

Running away is something we always done well,

Well and mostly I can’t even tell what I’m running from

Corpsed into ice, I cannot ,I cannot,I cannot, run from my family” ( from the lyrics)


Can I get rid of the dark side?


I cannot find the answer, but a wise young man says something remarkable that keep me thinking —the accepance of our dark sides.

”Like all people, I have a “shadow,” and I have learned that the healthiest thing one can do is to integrate this darkness into one’s self.  If you reject it and abhor it, then you only repress it, and it only gets stronger when it is not acknowledged.

As I have experienced life, and learned how to increase my capacity for tolerance and compassion, so too has my capacity for darkness grown as well.  This is natural, because balance is the rule of nature.  In order to become more compassionate, I must also cultivate the capacity for more selfishness.  In order to be more tolerant, I must also cultivate my ability for intolerance and hatred.

This sounds scary, but it is not.  Because while we all have the capacity for both good and evil, it is our choice at every moment whether to engage in decent activities or engage in behaviors that will harm others.  I have long since come into the habit of choosing compassion over hatred, and peace of mind over anger. ”

By: Seraph1m

Written on December 26th, 2007 on

view the whole passage here:


I torture myself with sad songs

well, this is not really a description of the song, but listening to Boyce Avenue’s original songs really remind me quite a story.

I remember two to three years ago I was an active member of some kind of social network like facebook,try to connent people in a meaningful way, but different from fb every member can ask questions and share stories that every member can see and comment.

One day I met a girl who was upset and bored and asked what can she do. I answered listening to songs but she said listening to songs will make things worse.

At that time I didn’t have a clue about her until later I realised she was heart broken, listening to songs about love was a torture, as many songs were conditioned to something personal. I am not going to talk about the details what really happened, but instead I am talking about my side of story trying to help her.

Even though at that time I was preparing for exams, and I barely know her. Her story moved me. I sent back emails that would touch her and tell me more about herself, I sent back suggestions and advice that might impress her. I become emotionally attached to someone I have never seen. To feel her saddness, I kept listening to sad songs, and my favourite are Boyce Avenue’s original songs, like Dare to Believe and Broken Angel. I tortured myself with sad songs so I can have a slight understanding what she was going through. I can tell you, I was insane. I knew that, but my intention to tell her ‘it’s okay to hurt’ and ‘I might help her’ was so strong, so intense that it blinded my judgement. I sent her songs in languages I know she would not understand, I should be memorising chemistry equations but instead Iooking up videos to help her let go. Maybe the academic studies were too much to take I decided to help her instead of myself, as her story gave me hope that I can do something. May be I was obsessed with her story or maybe it’s just a matter of fact that ‘helping people going through their tough time’ is what I always want to do.

At the end she stopped talking to me, I guessed I went too far. But Boyce Avenue’s songs, still one of my favourites.

Looking back to this story, I was so naive. I was desperate and demanding and using all the wrong methods.

Helping people is still one of my biggest lifegoals, but it required patience, detachment after work, the capacity to see her story in her shoes, being mentally stronger than her, holding the resources she will need to know, self awareness and maybe similar life experiences.

I learnt better now, but this will be a story of mine, need to be told so I will be reminded the importance of striking a balance between the desire to help and her desire for help. Otherwise, I am just being a bad guy, in the name of helping people.